Everything You Wanted To Know About Toilet Paper

Nature calls. It happens. To my office coworkers and everyone else who reads this blog (all 4 of you), I dedicate this guide to you. May you learn much from it.

First, a little history.

According to this website, toilet paper was invented in China in the year 1391. "The Bureau of Imperial Supplies began producing 720,000 sheets of toilet paper a year, each sheet measuring two feet by three feet." Notice how large these sheets were? They were meant to be used by emperors. Presumably because the emperors were always enormous asses.

Sir John Harington invented the flushing toilet in 1596, which is the origin of the phrase "going to the John". But most people didn't have access to plumbing, and used outhouses, bedpans, rivers, holes, and probably anywhere else they felt like.

According to Wikipedia, "wealthy people used wool, lace or hemp for their ablutions, while less wealthy people used their hand when defecating into rivers, or cleaned themselves with various materials such as rags, wood shavings, leaves, grass, hay, stone, sand, moss, water, snow, maize husks, or seashells, depending upon the country and weather conditions or social customs.". Wood shavings? I don't know about you, but I don't like splinters in my bung.

And yes, maize husks is another name for corn cobs. According to the Straight Dope, "it was once common practice in rural America to leave a corncob hanging from a string in the outhouse for purposes of personal hygiene. The string, I gather, was to permit the cob to be reused." So not just corn cobs, but old, crusty corn cobs. So... who's hungry for some corn?

People who could afford to do so often wiped themselves with pages from old merchandise catalogs (but this stopped working so well when they started making glossy pages), or pages from inexpensive books. I can think of plenty of books I'd like to wipe my ass with. It would also be pretty cool to tell someone "I wiped my ass with your poem".

In 1857, New Yorker Joseph C. Gayetty produced the first packaged bathroom tissue in the United States. This was the beginning of modern toilet paper rolls, and ever since then there has been a great debate:

Do you face the toilet paper so the loose end is hanging away from the wall, or is close to the wall?

I am here to definitely answer this question for all time. The correct answer is that you hang it away from the wall, where it is easiest for the person taking a crap to grab. When taking a dump, one should not have to go in search of the end of the roll. It does not matter if the other way "looks better", when taking a poop, utilitarian concerns trump all others. I want to wipe my ass, and be done with it.

The only time it is acceptable to hang toilet paper the "bad way" is when you have pets or toddlers that think it's fun to unravel the roll. Since pets and toddlers will generally spin the roll towards themselves, hanging the roll backwards will prevent them from unravelling it.

However, this obviously does not apply in most places, especially offices. Because the dumbasses in my office don't seem to understand this, I've put together a short, pictoral guide on the correct and incorrect way to do this.

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A pictoral guide to toilet paper placement, and other concerns


Correct! Note the ease of access to the free end of the roll. A nice classy hanger to go with it makes it asthetically pleasing, and provides a more satisfying wiping experience.


Incorrect! Didn't you read the above guide, dumbass? If I wanted to play hide and seek with the end of the roll, I'd go to a park, or some other place where and when I am not shitting.


Unacceptable. It's bad enough that I have to unroll the toilet paper. I don't want to have to unfold it too.


Usually Unacceptable. If you finish a roll, install a new one, jackass. Don't make the person who is having an intestinal emergency do the "oh my god I have to crap so bad!" stagger around the office looking for a new one before they can find some release. Jerk.

The one exception to this rule is when you don't notice that there isn't any toilet paper there before you start (due to some asshole who didn't follow this rule), and you have nothing to wipe with after you've completed dumping your load. In this case, you have no good options. You can either A) walk around the office half naked (and smelling like shit) until you find a roll, B) yell from the bathroom and hope some snickering coworker takes pity on you (it won't be me), or C) quietly zip up and then go home as soon as possible to replace your underwear. If you choose the third option, it's permissible to not replace the roll.


Insulting! This is like a big "fuck you" to the next shitter. Here, wipe your ass with this scrap. And then replace the roll. Jerk.


Unacceptable! I should not have to be a gymnast to reach the toilet paper because it has been placed behind me. Furthermore, if you wrap your toilet paper with a ribbon, I am going to wipe my ass with the ribbon.


Unacceptable, because every time you try to tear some off, gravity will cause half the roll to unspool on the floor. And who knows how much nastiness is on the floor. Some of your male coworkers may use the "shake it dry" method, spraying droplets of pee everywhere, or they may come to work so drunk that they just miss the toilet completely. (Rule #4,812: When you're drunk, always pee sitting down). And let's not forget the guy who always inadvertantly pulls out a few pubes when unzipping. Guess where they end up?


Unacceptable, for the same reasons as above. Buy a fucking dispenser, you cheap whore.


Acceptable. Because sometimes, when you have to go, you REALLY HAVE TO GO.


Unacceptable! Either someone went camping with this, or they have serious anger management issues (possibly because they were one of the people who didn't notice there was no roll, and chose options A or B above. You should have chosen C, dumbass!). In any case, not only will this be hard to unroll, it's probably got bits of sand in it, and I really don't need to exfoliate my bunghole.


Acceptable, just because it's cool looking. It's even more fun when you put it on a hanger that's barely large enough to hold it, and it's too big to spin. Those screams of anguish you hear coming from the bathroom can be entertaining for hours.


... What the fuck? Who invents this shit? And why does anybody buy it?


Unacceptable. If you do this, I am going to wipe my ass with your sandwich.


Unacceptable. What am I supposed to do? Gather the scraps and wipe my ass with a cloud of wisps? I think not. Here, kitty kitty.


Acceptable. This is also a great way to ensure you have no friends.


Unacceptable! I don't want to wipe my butt with anything that has holes in it. If this is something you've made yourself, I definitely don't want to wipe my ass with your art project.


Acceptable As mentioned above, sometimes when you have to go, you REALLY HAVE TO GO.


Unacceptable Cutesy is not appreciated when I am looking to wipe my ass. So I said to the bear, "do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?", and he said no. You know where this is going.


Acceptable It is always permissible to wipe your ass with anything that looks remotely like George W. Bush's face.

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And there you have it. You are now educated in proper toilet paper dispensal methodology. I will leave you with these few interesting facts:

In 1996, President Clinton passed a law on toilet paper, taxing each roll 6 cents. That means when you wipe your ass, the government is effectively making money.

An average user uses a total of 57 sheets per day. Unless they have a nasty dingleberry, then it can be more.